Who is to blame for my melancholy?
Is there such a thing?
For if I am to believe my own misery and lack of worth
Than it is my pitiful existence that has brought it on.
Pity is not what I am after. Nor sympathy. For my truth is what it is. Painful.
~ April 10, 2012 ~
I’ve been doing the dance of blues lately….
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: depression, sadness, tears
Thoughts
Simple really,
Really simple.
Simply real, how I feel.
The holidays are approaching – make them stop!
Reverse, rewind – I don’t have the time to play this role.
No desire to act this one through.
What can I do?
Please lets just pass these ones by.
No tree, no joy, no Christmas carols,
No wrapping or packing or roasting turkeys.
Stop, reverse, rewind.
Lets not do the holidays this time.
~ November 1st, 1997 ~
I lay here.
I wander thinking
And then my thoughts begin to go asunder
And I question if I’m even real
I wake up
I walk out
Into the daylight where the sun is shining
And I notice I’m in shadows.
~ November 2nd, 1997 ~
I was so deeply depressed at this time in my life. This was not the first major episode of depression I had worked thru and gotten to the other side. A big part of my recovery was leaving a desperately abusive relationship – hard to cope with anything when you feel worthless and rejected all the time. To step out of a shadow life you must be willing to take your power back!
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: abuse, depression, fear, pain
The same walls
The same place, space
The same face
The same time
The same day
Will it ever go away?
This feeling of non existing
Of really not being
Painted on the wall
A shadow after all
Graffiti for the blind
Tactile only in my mind
The same dream
The same song
Playing all day long
Ringing in my head like a gong
Will it ever go away?
~ November 1st, 1997 ~
This poem has no title, much like I think my life felt at the time. So much unspoken turmoil during this stage of my life. Suicidal, terrified of my then husband, feeling helpless and hopeless… I did persevere with the love and help of others, some whom I had never met in person. It is never to late to reach out for help. You may be surprised at who throws you a life preserver! Just grab on!
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: depression, domestic violence, helpless, hopeless, suicidal
I can’t breath
The pain hurts so bad
I can’t breath
I’m painfully sad
I can’t breath
The worlds closing in
I can’t breath
I’m at my wit’s end
I can’t breath
My mind’s leaving me
I can’t breath
Let this breath set me free
I can’t breath
I don’t want to go on
I can’t breath
If this will last all life long
I can’t breath
Stop it please, stop it now
I can’t breath
Tell me when, show me how
I can’t breath
Lift this weight crushing me
I can’t breath
Heal my heart, set me free
October 27, 1997
I was no longer able to “ask” for help, so I wrote this poem and shared it with a close group of friends via email. Luckily, I got the support and encouragement I needed which included professional guidance as well. I don’t share this information often, but it is important to note that I did have a complete plan to commit suicide at this stage and I am forever grateful to Robert Elshout for sensing my struggle and offering help all the way from the Netherlands. He and a group of others provided distance Reiki and the results were astounding. I was given the gift of Reiki I when I traveled to the Netherlands the following year in a 3 day workshop with Robert and his Reiki Master Tineke “Tiny”.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: cry for help, depression, reiki, suicidal, suicide
Internal Blue
I want to ask you something
Where do I begin?
I want to share with you
Something from within
But my fear is here
Inside of me
Clutching, holding tight
Do I dare share what’s within?
For fear you might not like
I want for you to understand
My good and bad go hand in hand
The smile that I let you see
Relates directly to the pain inside of me
But my struggles of internal woes
Have fierce and gallant fighting foes
I don’t lie down without a fight
I take them on deep into the night
So, I’ll tell you what’s inside of me
I’ll share my vulnerability
For this is what I want you to see
I need you to understand all of me
And though I’m frightened you’ll walk away
I hope you’ll listen to what I say
Because I believe my internal blue
Is full of grace and beauty too
And so I ask,
Have you ever stared out of a window and felt like life was looking in?
Seen a blazing sun in clear, bright skies while feeling damp fog beneath your skin
Have you listened to your favorite song and noticed the tune was suddenly flat?
Has someone thrown you a second chance and all you did was throw it back?
Have you done your day the best you could only to feel like second best?
Or spent last night watching the world sleep, wishing you could get some rest?
Have you cried and cried and cried some more…only to feel your drowning still?
Been given a prescription to lighten your affliction…only to wish for a bigger pill?
Have the simplest things confused your mind while the most complex define your life?
Did you wonder where the time has gone, and how much was spent on internal strife?
Or my friend;
Do you feel the pain of loved ones dear…so intensely that it becomes your own?
Do you desire to save the friends you have from getting lost in the dark unknown?
Do you give all you can just to help someone through?
Do you listen with your heart and wish there’s more you could do?
Do you revel in laughter, do you share every joy?
Do you take time to be kind to a poor girl or boy?
Does music lift your spirit, change your mood, touch your soul?
Does the feeling of a hug from a loved one make you whole?
Does the magic of the sunset capture your heart and mesmerize?
Does the mystery of the moon and stars bring moisture to your eyes?
Then I request,
Don’t let my palette of blues cause you to beware
For I can see into your soul and paint a landscape there.
Don’t let my sometimes silent, solemn sober eyes
Convince you to think I want to break our precious ties.
Don’t feel that my fears will overrule my consciousness
Embrace me in your arms and encourage my confidence.
Don’t think I’m not aware that my depression troubles you
Take comfort in the knowledge that I take it seriously too.
And please cherish all the moments I choose to share with you
For each one is enhanced by a brilliant shade of blue.
September 29th through October 7, 1997
Julia Ann Ferguson
Written in my attempt to educate people close to me that my depression isn’t always a negative in my life. It is an intricate part of some things I think are special traits I have to offer others.
Tags: acceptance, blues, depression, fear, gifts, internal blue, pain, personality traits, turning positive to negative
Only on the darkest day
Only in my deepest sigh
Only when you hear me scream
Only when I try to cry
Only in my lonely bed
Only deep within my heart
Only thru the choked back words
Only. …
Only at the break of day
Only when the fog sits low
Only in the forests belly
Only deep beneath the snow
Only lost amongst the clouds
Only carried on the wind
Only sifting thru the sand
Only…
Only never will you know
Just how much you owned my soul
Only never shall I tell
Just how much my life was hell
Only until the day you die
Will I hope you never know
How much you crushed my hopes and dreams
How much you stole, how much you stole.
Rebuttal to Only:
In my strength I let you go
Your evil I no longer wish to know
You hands on my neck
The choke hold gone
The fucking pain that lingers on.
The words of hate I endured,
The physical threats that occurred
The deception and lies that I told
To cover the bruises
New and old
I wish to lay to rest
This lingering…
Crap within my chest
To finally say good bye to you
That is this disgusting mental residue
So much of me was wrapped up in you
and I only wish you never knew…
If only…
August 11, 2011
Written because I have a regret of giving so much of my life to the excruciating lesson of sacrificing myself and my hopes and dreams to a man that beat me verbally and physically for over 15 years. And because of my shame I did my best to hide that fact from all that knew us.
JAFA
Tags: broken dreams, building new dreams, depression, domestic violence, fear, letting go, lost youth, low self esteem, reclaiming my life, regret, shame, soul, wishing to change the past
Today my pain is hidden…
But you can see it in the clouds
It comes upon the thunder
You can hear it in the rain
You can smell it in the aftermath
Of my slowly rotting brain
Nature can deceive you
The weather wraps it tight
But it sits on my face plainly
You can always see it plainly
On a clear and moonlit night
You can touch it when you struggle
With the dampness of the fog
When you gasp for air
You know its there
Sifting through the smog
You can see it in the rainbow
That never touches ground
In the failure
Of the struggle
To remain safe and sound
You can hear it in my soft goodbye
You can smell it in my hair
The pain that’s all around me
In me,
Up and down me
Well you can always see it plainly
It sits on my face plainly
If you look
You’ll see it plainly
On a clear and moonlit night
March 13th, 1994
Actually one of my favorite poems I’ve written. People who have struggled with abuse, domestic violence and depression are often master’s of hiding their true self. And yet, if you are willing to put aside your fears and really look at a person in the eyes you will almost always see what lies behind. The challenge comes when you are faced with having to really listen to what they have to say. I rarely found anyone up for that challenge when I was younger, luckily I have amazing friends and a husband who always have my back today.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: deep sadness, depression, domestic violence, emotional pain, truth
JM – JF
Days of old
Scars afflict the girls’ mind.
Thin eggshell skull,
Cracking with childhood memories.
Sweat drips from a monsters brow.
Blood, boiling in the veins.
Seeping through the ever aging lines
On a Childs hands.
Hollow eyes sink into the swamp
Of fear and corruption.
Thoughts gasping for air,
Wind blows through her distilled mind.
12/31/80 age 16
Inspired by Jim Morrison. His music, my pain. I expressed my emotions mostly through poetry and coped with drugs and alcohol.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: abuse, childhood, coping, depression, Jim Morrison, pain
Black
Black is the color of the bottom of a deep silent puddle,
Or the background of a midnight moon.
It creeps in on you when death is near,
And it surrounds you when you’re blind or can’t hear.
Black is the color you think when you’re all alone.
Black is where monsters live,
It’s where I don’t dare go!
Black has many feelings which we all express.
Black stands out from all the rest.
I like black best!
05.05.78
A poem I wrote in school. We were to pick a favorite color and explain why we liked it. Of course mine was in poem form! If you notice most of the examples are dark or scary – this poem actually shares how sad I was when I wrote it.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: black, depression, fear, sadness, safety
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