Internal Blue

I want to ask you something
Where do I begin?
I want to share with you
Something from within

But my fear is here
Inside of me
Clutching, holding tight

Do I dare share what’s within?
For fear you might not like

I want for you to understand
My good and bad go hand in hand
The smile that I let you see
Relates directly to the pain inside of me

But my struggles of internal woes
Have fierce and gallant fighting foes
I don’t lie down without a fight
I take them on deep into the night

So, I’ll tell you what’s inside of me
I’ll share my vulnerability
For this is what I want you to see
I need you to understand all of me

And though I’m frightened you’ll walk away
I hope you’ll listen to what I say
Because I believe my internal blue
Is full of grace and beauty too

And so I ask,

Have you ever stared out of a window and felt like life was looking in?
Seen a blazing sun in clear, bright skies while feeling damp fog beneath your skin

Have you listened to your favorite song and noticed the tune was suddenly flat?
Has someone thrown you a second chance and all you did was throw it back?

Have you done your day the best you could only to feel like second best?
Or spent last night watching the world sleep, wishing you could get some rest?

Have you cried and cried and cried some more…only to feel your drowning still?
Been given a prescription to lighten your affliction…only to wish for a bigger pill?

Have the simplest things confused your mind while the most complex define your life?
Did you wonder where the time has gone, and how much was spent on internal strife?

Or my friend;

Do you feel the pain of loved ones dear…so intensely that it becomes your own?
Do you desire to save the friends you have from getting lost in the dark unknown?

Do you give all you can just to help someone through?
Do you listen with your heart and wish there’s more you could do?

Do you revel in laughter, do you share every joy?
Do you take time to be kind to a poor girl or boy?

Does music lift your spirit, change your mood, touch your soul?
Does the feeling of a hug from a loved one make you whole?

Does the magic of the sunset capture your heart and mesmerize?
Does the mystery of the moon and stars bring moisture to your eyes?

Then I request,

Don’t let my palette of blues cause you to beware
For I can see into your soul and paint a landscape there.

Don’t let my sometimes silent, solemn sober eyes
Convince you to think I want to break our precious ties.

Don’t feel that my fears will overrule my consciousness
Embrace me in your arms and encourage my confidence.

Don’t think I’m not aware that my depression troubles you
Take comfort in the knowledge that I take it seriously too.

And please cherish all the moments I choose to share with you
For each one is enhanced by a brilliant shade of blue.

September 29th through October 7, 1997

Julia Ann Ferguson

Written in my attempt to educate people close to me that my depression isn’t always a negative in my life.  It is an intricate part of some things I think are special traits I have to offer others.

Tags: acceptance, blues, depression, fear, gifts, internal blue, pain, personality traits, turning positive to negative