Archive for the ‘Grief’ Category

Rainbow Tears

January 5th, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Animals/Pets, Grief
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Blazing orange, vibrant red,
Golden yellow,
Wyatt is dead!

Gentle gray, charcoal brown,
His blackened ashes
Mark the ground!

Frothy white and midnight blue.
King Neptune,
I give my dog to you!

Peaceful green,
A mournful sigh,
Rainbow colors drop from my eye!

~ July 23, 1997 ~

We spread Wyatt’s ashes at his favorite spot at Dog Beach, San Diego, California.  A spot that will always bring sunshine to my heart.  After spreading them, I threw out his favorite orange retriever toy into the channel to be carried out to sea or perhaps another dog would find it and cherish it.

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Breathless

January 5th, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Depression, Domestic Violence, Gloomy or Darker Poems, Grief
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I can’t breath
The pain hurts so bad
I can’t breath
I’m painfully sad

I can’t breath
The worlds closing in
I can’t breath
I’m at my wit’s end

I can’t breath
My mind’s leaving me
I can’t breath
Let this breath set me free

I can’t breath
I don’t want to go on
I can’t breath
If this will last all life long

I can’t breath
Stop it please, stop it now
I can’t breath
Tell me when, show me how

I can’t breath
Lift this weight crushing me
I can’t breath
Heal my heart, set me free

October 27, 1997

I was no longer able to “ask” for help, so I wrote this poem and shared it with a close group of friends via email.  Luckily,  I got the support and encouragement I needed which included professional guidance as well.  I don’t share this information often, but it is important to note that I did have a complete plan to commit suicide at this stage and I am forever grateful to Robert Elshout for sensing my struggle and offering help all the way from the Netherlands.  He and a group of others provided distance Reiki and the results were astounding.  I was given the gift of Reiki I when I traveled to the Netherlands the following year in a 3 day workshop with Robert and his Reiki Master Tineke “Tiny”.

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Only (perhaps the hardest poem I will ever share publicly)

August 30th, 2011 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Domestic Violence, Grief, Relationships/Marriage
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Only on the darkest day
Only in my deepest sigh
Only when you hear me scream
Only when I try to cry

Only in my lonely bed
Only deep within my heart
Only thru the choked back words
Only. …

Only at the break of day
Only when the fog sits low
Only in the forests belly
Only deep beneath the snow

Only lost amongst the clouds
Only carried on the wind
Only sifting thru the sand
Only…

Only never will you know
Just how much you owned my soul
Only never shall I tell
Just how much my life was hell

Only until the day you die
Will I hope you never know
How much you crushed my hopes and dreams
How much you stole, how much you stole.

Rebuttal to Only:

In my strength I let you go
Your evil I no longer wish to know
You hands on my neck
The choke hold gone
The fucking pain that lingers on.

The words of hate I endured,
The physical threats that occurred
The deception and lies that I told
To cover the bruises
New and old

I wish to lay to rest
This lingering…
Crap within my chest
To finally say good bye to you
That is this disgusting mental residue

So much of me was wrapped up in you
and I only wish you never knew…

If only…

August 11, 2011

Written because I have a regret of giving so much of my life to the excruciating lesson of sacrificing myself and my hopes and dreams to a man that beat me verbally and physically for over 15 years.  And because of my shame I did my best to hide that fact from all that knew us.

JAFA

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Trial Run Mistakes last forever

August 30th, 2011 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Domestic Violence, Grief, Healing, Relationships/Marriage
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Trial Run Mistakes last forever

I  don’t want to know
What you’re doing now
Just give my mind a break
From the nightmares in my dreams

The unforgotten screams
Still rip thru my memories
The fists against my skin
The fingers on my neck

Sometimes I wonder when
I will finally forget
How you almost broke me

Completely….

August 6, 2011

Domestic violence almost killed my soul….  Definition:  Trial Run – what I refer to as my first marriage.

Julia Ferguson Andriessen

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Unwanted Goods

August 30th, 2011 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Acceptance, Gloomy or Darker Poems, Grief, Relationships/Marriage
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Rejection from day one Son.
It’s the way it is, the way it’s done.

Don’t try to be more, try to break free
This place of unwanted is your destiny.

Not everyone is supposed to be born
To be loved.

Some are just here to get thru it
For someone.

Fucked as it is, truth to be told
This is your life until you grow old.

Rejection comes in all ways and ages
It’s gonna break your heart at each of life’s stages…

Born to a mother, given to another
Married to a few wanted by neither.

Acceptance is key, learn to live it.
Perhaps in the next life, you’ll get more than just give it.

Don’t hold your breath for change or pleasure
Just suck the fuck up and survive the bad weather.

~ August 27, 2011 ~

The message that rejection seems to follow some around for their whole lives no matter how hard they try to shake it.  Especially those that are adopted out for no good reason.  Definition:  Suck the Fuck up – when something hurts so much that you inhale the pain while saying the word fuck so it isn’t even heard out loud.

Julia Ann Ferguson

 

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Traveling Broken

April 14th, 2011 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Animals/Pets, Grief, Healing
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My last dog, Wyatt Burp

Traveling Broken

Broken is the heart of summer

Desperate cries in mid-July

Clouds of pain begin to hover

As I search my restless sky.

 

Quietly groping through my memories

Deep within my numb struck mind

I rest upon that blessed December

When Wyatt caught my husband’s eye.

 

I let myself begin to wander

Through that eve of Christmas past

And pause to linger on their laughter

That first encounter went so fast.

 

I turn and look out the airplane window

And gaze into the setting sun

The warmth outside tries hard to heal me

My grieving process has begun.

 

I lay my head against my pillow

My swollen eyes beg to rest

I fondly think of lazy Sundays

When Wyatt’s head rest against my breast.

 

Golden Beauty, Golden Puppy

Eyes that reached into my soul

May your heaven have sandy beaches

Warm blue waters, a grassy knoll.

 

July 8th, 1997

Trying to cope with the death of my 2 ½ yr Golden Retriever who died due to an allergic reaction to medication while I was out of town

Julia

NB: I have not “owned” a pet since this loss.  I cherish animals but hate the end part!  The Vet at the emergency hospital informed me that we had a terrific law suit against his organization as any of the Dr’s at the hospital we had been taking him the past months should have noticed he was allergic to this medication that caused his liver to basically explode.  $5,000+ and a dead dog.  I just didn’t care about suing anyone.  I was truly brokenhearted.

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