Julia's Poetry

Official site for Julia Ferguson's Poetry and Musings

Soul Child

March 11, 2014 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Acceptance, Family

Yours.
In your eyes I saw it.
When you carried me on your shoulders
Sky high.
I felt it.
Giggling while holding onto your tree stump legs
Bouncing on your knees.
1 little, 2 little.
I was yours.

Soul Child.
Daughter of yours.
Daughter of the Moon and stars.
Daughter of those who let me go.
For awhile daughter of no one.

Then you picked me up.
Our hearts found each other.
Beating to the sunshine.
You signed papers
proving to the world
and the universe
that I was yours.

Not DNA.
Not magic or dreaming.
Just a simple meant to be.
Waiting patiently for your
guidance, wit and wisdom.
For our souls to dance on Earth
for awhile.

Yours always Dad.
Even without you here
I’m still your Soul Child

~ March 11, 2014 ~

Written to express how I felt my connection with my Dad (who adopted me as a baby) wasn’t a fluke or accident.  

Julia Ferguson Andriessen

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A Depressing Weekend

April 10, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Depression

 

Who is to blame for my melancholy?

Is there such a thing?

For if I am to believe my own misery and lack of worth

Than it is my pitiful existence that has brought it on.

Pity is not what I am after.  Nor  sympathy.  For my truth is what it is.  Painful.

~ April 10, 2012 ~

I’ve been doing the dance of blues lately….

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Summer Bonding

April 10, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Friendship, Kindred Spirits

 

Only on a summer day
Can I dream the dream of yesterday
A memory that warms my heart
of friendship that shall never part

A bond of two to last forever
of days spent well and memories shared
Of loyalty and empathy
of laughter and many tears

We share our soul, we share our fears
we share time across the years.
And many a California summer day
We share sand time and giggle away.

~ April, 2, 2012 ~

For my Bellini Beans…. looking forward to summer BFFFFFF  Written about the healing powers of the sand and a special friendship with Jeannie Pascuzzi.

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Sunrise on Oude Gracht

January 5, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Life Abroad, Love Poems, Relationships/Marriage, The Netherlands


Rays of golden orange hues
Across the dark blue waters gleam
Breathy clouds of morning mist
Along the canals, can be seen
Slowly rising like a fire
The waters turn a brilliant yellow
The dampness and the crisp cool air
Suddenly begin to mellow
The shades of red, orange and gold
Melt the water into honey
Sunrise wakes the Netherlands
Beauty worth more than Dutchmens’ money

~ November 10th, 1997 ~

This poem is about dreaming of love and hope, of far away places and the possibility of dreams becoming reality.  I had not been to the Netherlands yet, but I wrote this poem in my mind’s eye while imagining what making love there would be like… thus an intimate and very revealing look into this poets mind for a moment.  You can read great works of poetry today and have “experts” share their opinions of what the work means, I give little credence to such opinions, a reason why I enjoy sharing why or where I wrote something.   How many people would truly be able to interpret this poem being about a woman’s orgasm?  Reread it and see if you get it now.

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Rainbow Tears

January 5, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Animals/Pets, Grief

 

Blazing orange, vibrant red,
Golden yellow,
Wyatt is dead!

Gentle gray, charcoal brown,
His blackened ashes
Mark the ground!

Frothy white and midnight blue.
King Neptune,
I give my dog to you!

Peaceful green,
A mournful sigh,
Rainbow colors drop from my eye!

~ July 23, 1997 ~

We spread Wyatt’s ashes at his favorite spot at Dog Beach, San Diego, California.  A spot that will always bring sunshine to my heart.  After spreading them, I threw out his favorite orange retriever toy into the channel to be carried out to sea or perhaps another dog would find it and cherish it.

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Two more poems showing my dark state of mind at this time

January 5, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Depression, Gloomy or Darker Poems

 

Thoughts

Simple really,
Really simple.
Simply real, how I feel.

The holidays are approaching – make them stop!
Reverse, rewind – I don’t have the time to play this role.
No desire to act this one through.
What can I do?
Please lets just pass these ones by.
No tree, no joy, no Christmas carols,
No wrapping or packing or roasting turkeys.
Stop, reverse, rewind.
Lets not do the holidays this time.

~ November 1st, 1997 ~

I lay here.
I wander thinking
And then my thoughts begin to go asunder
And I question if I’m even real

I wake up
I walk out
Into the daylight where the sun is shining
And I notice I’m in shadows.

~ November 2nd, 1997 ~

I was so deeply depressed at this time in my life.  This was not the first major episode of depression I had worked thru and gotten to the other side.  A big part of my recovery was leaving a desperately abusive relationshiphard to cope with anything when you feel worthless and rejected all the time.  To step out of a shadow life you must be willing to take your power back!

Julia Ann Ferguson

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January 5, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Depression, Domestic Violence, Gloomy or Darker Poems

 

 

The same walls

The same place,  space

The same face

The same time

The same day

Will it ever go away?

This feeling of non existing

Of really not being

Painted on the wall

A shadow after all

Graffiti for the blind

Tactile only in my mind

The same dream

The same song

Playing all day long

Ringing in my head like a gong

Will it ever go away?

~ November 1st, 1997 ~

This poem has no title, much like I think my life felt at the time.  So much unspoken turmoil during this stage of my life. Suicidal, terrified of my then husband, feeling helpless and hopeless…  I did persevere with the love and help of others, some whom I had never met in person.  It is never to late to reach out for help.  You may be surprised at who throws you a life preserver!  Just grab on!

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Breathless

January 5, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Depression, Domestic Violence, Gloomy or Darker Poems, Grief

 

I can’t breath
The pain hurts so bad
I can’t breath
I’m painfully sad

I can’t breath
The worlds closing in
I can’t breath
I’m at my wit’s end

I can’t breath
My mind’s leaving me
I can’t breath
Let this breath set me free

I can’t breath
I don’t want to go on
I can’t breath
If this will last all life long

I can’t breath
Stop it please, stop it now
I can’t breath
Tell me when, show me how

I can’t breath
Lift this weight crushing me
I can’t breath
Heal my heart, set me free

October 27, 1997

I was no longer able to “ask” for help, so I wrote this poem and shared it with a close group of friends via email.  Luckily,  I got the support and encouragement I needed which included professional guidance as well.  I don’t share this information often, but it is important to note that I did have a complete plan to commit suicide at this stage and I am forever grateful to Robert Elshout for sensing my struggle and offering help all the way from the Netherlands.  He and a group of others provided distance Reiki and the results were astounding.  I was given the gift of Reiki I when I traveled to the Netherlands the following year in a 3 day workshop with Robert and his Reiki Master Tineke “Tiny”.

Julia Ann Ferguson

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Internal Blue

January 5, 2012 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Acceptance, Chronic Pain or Illness, Depression, Healing

 


Internal Blue

I want to ask you something
Where do I begin?
I want to share with you
Something from within

But my fear is here
Inside of me
Clutching, holding tight

Do I dare share what’s within?
For fear you might not like

I want for you to understand
My good and bad go hand in hand
The smile that I let you see
Relates directly to the pain inside of me

But my struggles of internal woes
Have fierce and gallant fighting foes
I don’t lie down without a fight
I take them on deep into the night

So, I’ll tell you what’s inside of me
I’ll share my vulnerability
For this is what I want you to see
I need you to understand all of me

And though I’m frightened you’ll walk away
I hope you’ll listen to what I say
Because I believe my internal blue
Is full of grace and beauty too

And so I ask,

Have you ever stared out of a window and felt like life was looking in?
Seen a blazing sun in clear, bright skies while feeling damp fog beneath your skin

Have you listened to your favorite song and noticed the tune was suddenly flat?
Has someone thrown you a second chance and all you did was throw it back?

Have you done your day the best you could only to feel like second best?
Or spent last night watching the world sleep, wishing you could get some rest?

Have you cried and cried and cried some more…only to feel your drowning still?
Been given a prescription to lighten your affliction…only to wish for a bigger pill?

Have the simplest things confused your mind while the most complex define your life?
Did you wonder where the time has gone, and how much was spent on internal strife?

Or my friend;

Do you feel the pain of loved ones dear…so intensely that it becomes your own?
Do you desire to save the friends you have from getting lost in the dark unknown?

Do you give all you can just to help someone through?
Do you listen with your heart and wish there’s more you could do?

Do you revel in laughter, do you share every joy?
Do you take time to be kind to a poor girl or boy?

Does music lift your spirit, change your mood, touch your soul?
Does the feeling of a hug from a loved one make you whole?

Does the magic of the sunset capture your heart and mesmerize?
Does the mystery of the moon and stars bring moisture to your eyes?

Then I request,

Don’t let my palette of blues cause you to beware
For I can see into your soul and paint a landscape there.

Don’t let my sometimes silent, solemn sober eyes
Convince you to think I want to break our precious ties.

Don’t feel that my fears will overrule my consciousness
Embrace me in your arms and encourage my confidence.

Don’t think I’m not aware that my depression troubles you
Take comfort in the knowledge that I take it seriously too.

And please cherish all the moments I choose to share with you
For each one is enhanced by a brilliant shade of blue.

September 29th through October 7, 1997

Julia Ann Ferguson

Written in my attempt to educate people close to me that my depression isn’t always a negative in my life.  It is an intricate part of some things I think are special traits I have to offer others.

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Coexist on earth as it is in…

September 28, 2011 by admin | No Comments | Filed in Peace, Spirituality (Not Religion)

 

Here on earth, for as long as Ever
Everyone fights to prove “what’s right”
But I wonder if I should tell them
What I know is in my heart…
All our God’s like to party
And it’s been that way from the start!

Buddha’s playing on the Bongos
While God and Allah tell their jokes
And the one whose name can’t be spoken
Laughs so hard he almost chokes

Mother Earth and Sister Mary dance while reading poetry
Gandhi watches chin in hand pondering all possibility
Pagans plant aromatic gardens, blooming with all that delights the eye
While Wiccan’s stir the soup for dinner and Jesus makes the apple pie

Krishna, Shiva, Vishnu and Ganesha
And their 300 and 33 million friends
Hold a class in Paradise yoga making up all the latest bends

The monks are passing out the ale, the orange robes, the honey wine
And the rabbi’s stoke the blazing fires to light the charcoal for hookah time.
Mother Teresa smiles at everyone finally feeling no more pain
While all the saints are playing poker and even trying to “win” in vain.

Confucius passes the peace pipe while White Buffalo Lady sings a song
And Zoroaster gets a tattoo, wondering why he waited so long
In my heart I see it clearly, all the deities get along
In my heart I know it truly all religions do belong

Paradise, Sanctuary, Heaven, Hell,
Really, who gives a damn?
What I believe is way more fun
Then killing others in the name of them

All are healing, all are healthy
All promote the way of love
And when I die I hope to party with the greatest gods above!

Julia Ann Ferguson © 2007
Please do not alter my work and keep credit intact.  Thank you.

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