Additional info for Love Immigrants™

Basic Definition of a Love Immigrant

  • LI’s move to be with someone they love vs. wanting a better standard of living or asylum.
  • LI’s usually aren’t seeking a foreigner for a partner.  The relationship develops either through a work setting, internet contact or vacation/holiday.
  • LDR – Long Distance Relationship vs. immigrant.  The LI often think of themselves as having relationship issues vs. the cultural changes that will be necessary to survive and succeed in a multi cultural relationship.

Common Struggles of a Love Immigrant

  • One partner may seem different than expected once the couple are living together or both are back in one partners country vs. the country where they both met.
  • LI’s are often unaware of cultural shock/self shock and the effect that will have on their relationship.
  • They haven’t planned ahead for the struggles they may have finding work and building a community in their new country.
  • They may not have explored what being an immigrant will feel like for them.
  • They often feel isolated, confused and happily in love at the same time so they start to blame themselves for the negative feelings that arise when acculturation and culture shock hit.
  • They play the Comparison Game* – causing a rift between values and communication.
  • Unprepared to deal with a the new language which often reverts them into the role of child and causes an unbalance of power within the relationship – especially for the female love immigrant who may start to feel very dependent on the partner and eventually start to lack confidence and self esteem.  Something they may never have struggled with in their home country.

* Comparison Game –  A trap couples fall into when they feel frustrated, scared, uncertain etc.   Remarks are similar to, “in my country we do it this way, in my country we do it right or better, what a stupid approach, in the (fill in the country name) we know how to do it”.

This is a destructive trap that can be devastating to a relationship if it isn’t eventually stopped or greatly diminished.  I believe doing some of this in the beginning of living together is a normal reaction.  The length of time and severity of the game is how one notices things are out of control.

If it has been going on for more than 6 months and the remarks are caustic and brutal (I hate your ***** country – I want to go back to mine where people are intelligent),  I encourage the couple to seek outside support.

How I as a Coach support a Love Immigrant

  • Help you gain clarity on culture shock and how to define a support system in your new setting and with your existing friends and family.
  • Help you define what is a relationship issue and what is your own acculturation process.
  • Find ways to build your communication skills, personal foundation, define needs and get them met, increase your ability to set effective boundaries.
  • Determine your limits – how far is too far regarding bringing on board the new cultures traditions, celebrations and systems.
  • Support you in learning to acknowledge the differences and accepting them.
  • Create a goal plan to ensure you are living the life you want and not over sacrificing who you are and your dreams for the future.
  • As someone who experiences it first hand, I offer insight without judgment and listen to you with an impartial ear.
  • My clients feel heard, supported and encouraged – contact me if you want to benefit from that type of relationship.